


Dear Jared Kleinman

by penguinpatrolerarmy



Series: "Dear Jared Kleinman" and Other Stories [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Cynicism, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Existentialism, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Jared Kleinman Centric, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Jared Kleinman Needs Love, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, The Connor Project (Dear Evan Hansen), Trippy, Unreliable Narrator, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinpatrolerarmy/pseuds/penguinpatrolerarmy
Summary: What if Evan had addressed his notes to Jared instead of Himself?
Relationships: Jared Kleinman & Alana Beck, Jared Kleinman & Evan Hansen, Jared Kleinman & Jared Kleinman's Father, Jared Kleinman & Jared Kleinman's Mother, Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy, No Romantic Relationships - Relationship
Series: "Dear Jared Kleinman" and Other Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915480
Comments: 17
Kudos: 47





	Dear Jared Kleinman

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so... This is my first Dear Evan Hansen fic, and unless I get another good idea it may be my only one. But, who knows? I enjoyed writing something with these characters and may do it again in the future.
> 
> Though this fic is primarily written in the 3rd person it's restricted to Jared's POV. This is a stylistic choice, both because I wanted to give y'all room to speculate about it and because I assume you guys are smart enough to figure other things out on your own.
> 
> If you enjoy this fic when it's over, leave me a comment! I'd love to hear your feedback and thoughts!
> 
> Lastly, just for clarity: In texting sections, Jared is Italicized and Evan is Bold.
> 
> Okay, now that all of that that's out of the way, I present: Dear Jared Kleinman!

Dear Jared Kleinman...

Those were the words at the top of the note.

Dear Jared Kleinman...

Those were the words that started this whole mess.

Dear Jared Kleinman...

This little phrase made him decide something, almost instantaneously:

He was going to fucking murder Evan.

But really, could you blame Jared for wanting to? It was _his_ fault that he was here in this office right now with two mourning parents and the empty chair of the principal who decided to abandon him here to deal with the fallout. Him and those stupid sex letters of his! Oh, sorry, not sex letters- _Therapy notes_... Jared, though angry, was stressed about the situation more than anything. So stressed that he forgot to say anything to the Murphy's for a good moment. He doesn't even bother reading the whole thing.

"Uh... Connor didn't write this." He finally spits out. If it had been around a classmate (or Evan for that matter), he probably would've managed to get it to sound sarcastic. But, this exact situation would be uncomfortable for anyone to sit through, and his tone was reflective of that.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Murphy asks. Before Jared gets to explain, her husband gladly buts in.

"He's obviously in shock, honey."

Jared feels insulted. Shock? Over Connor Murphy killing himself? Well, truthfully Jared always expected him to murder someone, but this wasn't far off from that. Still, he tries to be respectful about it and not say that out loud.

"No, I mean he didn't-"

Mrs. Murphy places a hand on his shoulder. "We know this must be hard for you, it is for us too. We- Connor never talked about you before- and we just wanted to make sure you got his last words... They're addressed to you, after all."

Jared gulps. He really wants to tell this lady to bug off. But... Damn, she just looks so sad and broken. He couldn't care less about Connor being gone, but he was staring down someone who in theory could. 

So, he does the next best thing: He nods and confirms.

"I uh... Thank you." He pushes his glasses back into place. "I think I should go..."

"Wait, did he say anything about-" 

"Cynthia," Mr. Murphy gives his wife a look, and she backs down. Then he flashes a little card. "Before you leave... The funeral is only for immediate family, but here's the information for the wake tonight." There's almost no emotion behind it, a stark contrast to his nearly sobbing spouse.  
Jared takes it and stuffs it into the pocket of his second shirt (Along with the note), strutting out of the room with a quick "Thank You." Or, at least, he's about to strut out... He glances back, and damn it his empathy gets the better of him. 

"...I'm sorry." He blurts out just before taking off. Thankfully, none of his classmates are around to see that. He isn't sure he'd live it down, admitting he was somewhat sorry Connor had offed himself. The bell for passing period rings before he can head back to class. But, he wasn't even going there. No, he had his mind set on one thing and one thing only. He expertly navigates around his classmates until he sees that blue polo and white cast and promptly pulls Evan aside into a closet. Probably a bad idea, considering Evan was freaking the fuck out until Jared turned the light on. But, he started to calm down not soon after.

Amidst the other's stammering, Jared pulls out the note and shoves it into his chest. "Care to explain this one, Acorn?"

Evan unfolds the note, reads probably only the first line, and looks back at Jared.

"Where did you- Did Connor give this to you?"

Jared slouches against the wall, masking any discomfort he has. "You could say that... After all, It's _addressed_ to me."

Evan looks back in confusion. Oh, poor naive Evan, Jared mourns in his head. He almost doesn't wanna tell the guy, let him live blissfully unaware, but if he did he'd feel like an even bigger ass than usual. Jared takes a deep breath, places a hand on each of his shoulders, and looks Evan dead in the eyes. And, for a moment, he softens.

"He's dead, Evan."

His friend's eyes got big. "He... You mean? Oh... Oh fuck-"

Jared should still be mad, and he is, but he keeps an arm around his Evan and does his best to keep him grounded. It was the one case were keeping too much of a distance would make things worse. He glances down at his cast for a moment, noticing a name that hadn't been there before... Connor. Connor Murphy signed this kids fucking cast. And, of course, no one noticed it because Evan tried to stay out of the spotlight.

"It's my fault, Jared. H-He saw the note in the computer lab, an-and He thought I was making fun of him and stormed off an-an-and-"

"Breathe." Jared reminds. Evan takes a few shaky breaths.

"I made him kill himself, Jared..." He mumbles. 

Jared gives him a look. "Are you kidding me? Dude, don't give yourself that much credit. Remember what I said? He would've **ruined your life** with this note. It was probably something else."

Evan looks down at his feet. "...Okay." He can tell he doesn't believe it completely, but then again neither did Jared. He tries to distract him.

"...You owe me big time, by the way." He says, "I just had to stare down his weeping mother and I got invited to this... Wake thing." In retrospect, maybe not a good choice of a subject change. He pulls out the card. Then, after looking at it in silence for a moment, he chucks it into one of the waste bins in the corner. Evan dives after it.

"Wh-what are you-?"

Jared rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to Connor Murphy's... Not-funeral thing just because his parents think he addressed his suicide note to me." He turns to leave-

Evan pulls him back, his eyes wide. "What? But, they invited you! They want you to be there!"

"No, they want Connor Murphy's _best friend_ there; And that's not who I am, Evan."

Evan sighs, seeming defeated about it. He managed to get the card, but it hardly matters now. "...I can't believe he's gone."

Jared can't either. Just a few days ago, he was joking about the guy shooting up the school. Now, he was just a few days shy of being buried 6 feet under... Or, maybe they cremated him. It made him a little ill, thinking about it. He almost wished he tried being nicer to the guy, but then again he's heard stories from the kids who did try that weren't good. That's probably all Jared would've gotten: A story to tell.

Rather than linger on those uncomfortable thoughts, He tries to find a thing to laugh about. And, thankfully, he does.

"I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted that this whole time you've been addressing your sex letters to yours truly."

Evan's face blushes a bright red, and he starts going through his spiel about how "They're not for sex" and "It's a Therapy assignment" and more words that Jared has heard a few times before. Well, at least he knows Evan complaining about this means he'd forgotten it, too. The bell rings, and they realize just how long they've been away and scramble off to their classes before the conversation can go any further.

He doesn't get the chance to catch up with Evan before the end of the day. It frustrates him a lot because this was a conversation he and Evan probably should've continued. But, hey, life sucks like that. It's not like this was the first of their conversations to having been completely forgotten. Plus, given how Evan was maybe he needed a little bit of time to himself. He drives himself home after waiting around Evan's locker for all of 15 minutes. Part of him wants to stop for food, and the other part is still too jumbled about everything to even consider eating. 

He can still see Ms. Murphy's face if he closes his eyes long enough. He probably shouldn't be shutting his eyes so much while driving, but at this point who even cares? Not him. He pulls around a few blocks until he's home, his legs starting to slug as the exhaustion of the day finally hits him like an airplane. He sets his bag on the kitchen table, accidentally knocking the note his mother had written that morning on the ground.

Working Late, on your own for dinner.

That was it. No additional texts, No Money for food, Not even an 'I love you.'

Jared wasn't sure why he expected that last part, he knew it wasn't true. He was just a reminder of every fuck up she made in her life... Evan had a single mom, Evan often came home to no one, but at least Evan's mom _tried._ The difference, while not initially obvious to an outsider, was like night and day to Jared. Heidi Hansen was usually still around in the mornings, She'd talk to Evan and make sure he did his Therapy assignments. Heidi Hansen made sure her son SAW a therapist when he needed it. Heidi Hansen always left a 20 on the counter or a frozen pizza or something for her son to eat. 

Heidi Hansen maybe wasn't a _perfect_ parent, but she made an effort.

...Jared was lucky if he even saw his mom. Jared spends most afternoons in his room without anyone to talk to. Jared had to get a weekend job because god forbid he end up starving because there wasn't any food or money (it wouldn't be the first time). Jared had to make sure Evan told his mom to tell her mom he was nice to him so that he didn't have to worry about car insurance. Jared went away to camp over the summer because if he spent whole days completely alone he'd just feel like a disappointment. Jared wasn't even sure if the kids at camp liked him that much and only really talked to Evan and this one guy on a Warcraft server on weekends...

Maybe that's why he and Evan still talked, even if they'd been growing apart recently. They had similar lives, similar issues, and they'd known each other since they were kids on top of that. It's almost a trip, that they'd be graduating and going out into the world soon. That Jared could end up going somewhere far away, out of state or even the country if he went abroad... Would he and Evan still talk then? Would they still be family friends? Or... just friends even?

Jared didn't know.

He rummages through the kitchen cabinets, just briefly, until he finds a small bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch, he hated the Nacho Cheese kind). That'll do. He takes it over to the table, plays some music over his earbuds, and starts working on some math homework. It was bullshit, to get homework over their fucking syllabus week, but whatever. The load would be worse later in the year, he reminds himself, he should be grateful.

When he finishes his stupid calc problems, he starts swiping through Instagram. Alana Beck from calc is posting a lot about Connor, some mental health advocacy thing... Zoe Murphy doesn't even acknowledge it, And it looks like she hasn't posted in a while. Evan has nothing on his page. He has an Instagram, and he uses it because Jared's seen him liking posts, but he's never uploaded a picture. It was almost like a stalker account. But, Jared knew to only make those kinds of jokes around Evan himself. He taps the side of his phone for a moment and goes into his messages. He hasn't texted Evan in a while. Usually, they just had their morning chats at School. But, maybe he'd see it if nothing else.

_Hey. You should tell the murphy's about the note._

To his surprise, he gets a response 30 minutes later.

**Why me? Can't you do it?**

Jared rolls his eyes.

_It's your note, dude._

_I told you I don't wanna be a part of this_

_You need to take care of it._

Evan doesn't reply. Jared plugs his phone in, munching down the last of the Doritos. This wasn't _his_ problem. It wasn't his note that Connor stole. It wasn't his therapy assignment. It wasn't his responsibility. Jared was just caught up in the middle of it and wanted no part. He licks the powder from his hands and stares up at the ceiling... Sunlight just barely peeks through his blackout curtains, there's some fading glow-in-the-dark stars his dad had put up years ago that Jared never had the heart to remove. But, no one is around to tell that story too, so what's it matter?

* * *

He doesn't go to the wake. Why would he? He didn't know Connor. He wasn't his friend. He just wanted to let this whole thing blow over and finish his senior year with decent grades. That's all he wanted to do in the first place before any of this stuff started. But, no. The universe couldn't be forgiving like that. It had to go and keep screwing him over.

He was by his locker, letting Evan ramble on about his morning. He was actually listening intently about how his mom had asked him about Connor's name being on his cast and uncomfortable it made him, but Jared would never let the guy know it. If Evan knew Jared cared as much as he really did, then he'd just get weirded out and stop hanging around him. Jared couldn't help being a clingy bitch in his heart, but he could actively not be that as long as he didn't let anyone think he cared.

Somewhere in the middle of all the rambling, Zoe Murphy had approached them. "You're Jared, right?" She asked.

Jared raises a brow. "Actually my name is Gerold." He jokes, but phases down to a more serious tone. "What do you want?"

Zoe glares at him. "...Connor was friends with _you_?"

Ah, that, Jared opened his mouth to speak, but before he could.

"Y-yup! He was! He even got him to sign my cast!" Evan rambles, showing it off. Zoe glares at Evan now. And Jared does too... He should've cleared this up by now.

"Didn't he shove you down in the hall-"

"That was a misunderstanding! H-he signed it as an apology." Jared looks at Evan like he's crazy. Like he's about to ask 'what the hell are you doing?' He knew it was likely just Evan's anxiety skyrocketing, but that didn't mean Jared was gonna let it slide completely.

Zoe looks at Jared again. "Is that true?"

Jared really wants to say no. He really does. He should say no. But, Evan looks uncomfortable. Jared could keep bugging him to tell the truth right this second, but he figures that given Evan looks like he's about to vomit it won't do any good towards that goal. So, for the moment being, He nods and confirms

"Yup."

Zoe doesn't seem convinced. "Didn't _you_ call him a school shooter?"

Evan buts in again. "Th-that was just a joke! Jared makes mean jokes all the time! Wh-what was that one you made before when I told you I fell out of a tree? Oh! Right! _Acorn_ \- He called me an acorn." For someone with social anxiety, he sure liked running his mouth.

Jared just nods and confirms again. "Yup."

Zoe looks between the two of them. "Well, My mom wanted to give you space to grieve or whatever. But, They're both curious and we have nothing really going on Friday so she wanted me to invite you over for dinner."

Jared blinks. He could refuse. He should refuse. But, at the same time, Ms. Murphy's sad face enters his brain again and makes him feel so damn _guilty_ about the whole thing... Plus, this presented an opportunity for payback. An opportunity to embarrass Evan Hansen in front of his crush.

"Of course, but-" He pulls Evan in by the shoulders, holding him close to his body so he can't squirm away. "My other good friend here, Evan Hansen, will have to join us. His mom works late shifts, you see, and It's been ages since he had a home-cooked meal. I'd just hate to make him miss such an event when he knows about it. Would that be alright?"

Zoe looks at Evan, uncertain. "...I guess I'll run it by them. It won't be much of a meal though, my mom's probably gonna make a gluten-free casserole."

Jared smirks. "Oh, don't worry. We aren't picky. Are we Evan?"

Evan shakes his head, keeping an uncomfortable smile across his face. Zoe looks at the two of them like they're crazy, which Jared takes as a job well done. 

"See you Friday, then." She mumbles, pushing past them. Once she's out of earshot, Evan shoves himself out of Jared grip. 

"Wh-what was that about?"

Jared crosses his arms, leaning back into the locker. "Payback. Also: You got me into this mess, you're getting me out of it. We're going over to dinner with them, and you're going to explain to these people that their son walked off with a weird sex note and died friendless."

Evan's eyes go wide. "B-but Jared-"

"You need to take responsibility for this, Evan!" Jared murmurs. Then, he takes a breath and eases down a bit. "Look. I'm only making you do this because it's the right thing. You know that. It wouldn't be right to make them go on thinking I was Connor's friend when I want nothing to do with this. I mean, what if people thought we were more than family friends? You'd tell them otherwise, right?"

Evan nods, seeming a bit upset. "... I made it worse, didn't I?"

Jared sighs. "Yeah but, it's not the first time. Look, I'll be right next to you the entire time... If you start rambling on I'll give you hints to stop."

Evan takes a deep breath. "Okay." Jared did feel a little bad, forcing him to go, but this was Evan's hatch to bury. It was his note that got them in this mess, He had to be the one to get them out of it as far as Jared was concerned. Besides, if nothing else maybe they'd get a meal out of it... It was probably scummy, but at least it wasn't as scummy as letting this lie go on any further. Evan got a meal, Jared got a meal with no money down, and the Murphy's got the truth. 

What could go wrong?

* * *

Evidently, many many things.

Perhaps Jared had invited them, thinking that statement, but that didn't mean he had to be happy about it.

Firstly: Zoe was not fucking around about the gluten-free casserole. _Holy shit_. Jared had to stop himself from Gagging... Evan looked like he nearly did, too.

The attempts at conversation were just as unpleasant. Mrs. Murphy asked them about school, when that conversation didn't go far she asked about books, when that conversation didn't go far they started arguing a little about Connor before calming down " _For the sake of the guests._ " Evan looked like he was about to explode. And, for a moment, Jared thought that he might've made a mistake making Evan do this in person. Maybe he could've gotten the guy to write a note or something. Cut him some slack, he was pissed when he decided to bring him along. 

And yet, the arguing and the failed conversations weren't even the worst part of the night. No, the worst part was when Jared came back from the bathroom. He left for maybe, 3 minutes tops? He just needed to pee. And in that time Evan started nervously constructing another story about Connor and Him. About a day at an Orchard, about the sun shining bright on them as they spent the day joking and climbing trees and eating apples straight from the branch. About them talking about their futures and keeping in touch. About Jared nearly falling out of a tree and Connor catching him by the shirt... And Evan knows this, of course, because he was his closes friend other than Connor. And He was telling them because even though it's a sweet story of friendship and a good example of their bond, "Jared doesn't like talking about these things... The grief is hitting him hard." 

Of course, Jared doesn't like talking about these things.

These things _**NEVER** _happened with Connor.

Sure, Maybe the story held some truths. It reminded Jared of days in his younger years when His and Evan's families would go out on picnics, days when they just hung out and ran around like kids. But that was years ago, and Evan made it sound like a forbidden gay love-story or some shit. And Jared wasn't really in a mood to be thinking about those things right now. Maybe this was a bad idea. The food sucked, Evan dug their metaphorical graves even deeper, and Now Jared might have to keep up the act because they were in too deep. He stood in the hall, just watching. For a moment, Zoe met his eyes. He wasn't sure what she was thinking. He wouldn't have believed this even without the prior knowledge of this being a complete lie. His stomach felt sick again, he wasn't sure if it was the guilt or the gluten-free casserole. But, he knew it just made him look upset that Evan was telling this, or Upset about Connor. Which made him feel worse.

He didn't wanna stay. 

He grabs Evan, mutters out some rushed apology, and pulls both of them out of the house. Maybe there was still a chance that they could cut their losses. Maybe if he just Ghosted the Murphy's for the rest of his life and acted like none of this ever happened He could still live a normal life.

The second their in the safety of Jared's car, the conversation starts.

"Wh-what was that about?" Evan demands, and Jared just about nearly pulls the guy's head off.

"Excuse me? YOU were the one telling these guys I was his secret boyfriend!"

Evan stammers. "Th-That's not at all what I was saying."

Jared hits his head against the steering wheel."You were supposed to tell them the **truth,** Evan, not add more fucking frosting to the cake! Or, Shit to the pile, Or- Fuck." He rubs his temples, he feels like he's having a migraine.

Evan looks just as bad. "I-I didn't... The second you left they kept asking me questions and I-"

"-You panicked. I know... I know..." Jared sighs. He can't blame the guy for having a fucking anxiety disorder, but he really wished he knew how to keep his mouth shut when it mattered. He wished the guy would take some initiative and just tell them what was going on... Jared still felt more worried than anything, as much as he would deny it. Evan was just, well, Evan. He couldn't always help that.

His opinions on him had changed over the years; _Best_ friends to _Family_ Friends, Cute Stammer to Not The Worst Talker But Occasionally Annoying, Holder of Close Secrets to Another Person He Blatantly Lies To; But one thing stayed: He cared too much about Evan to leave him behind, no matter how much of a distance he put between them so Evan wouldn't be grossed out by Jared's stupid clingy emotions.

Before he has the chance to pull out, Zoe walks up to his door and raps on the window with her finger. Jared takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair, and rolls down the window.

"What?" He mumbles.

Zoe huffs. "Sorry about them, I know they're a lot."

"Oh no, not at all-"

Jared puts his hand over Evan's mouth. "Whatever. I didn't really wanna come tonight, I only did because I felt like I was obligated to."

Zoe leans back. "Yeah, I figured... If you two want me to grab you lunch sometime, y'know to make up for this, just let me know." She eyes Evan this time, like she knows Jared won't accept it himself. And he wasn't going to, but it still hurt.

"I'll keep it in mind." 

He starts his car and Zoe takes the hint to walk back inside. Evan is quiet for the remainder of the car ride, other than his hushed "goodbye" when Jared finally drops him off at his home. Jared watches him walk up to his door and fumble around with his keys, though he tries not to keep too close an eye on him in case Evan looks over and feels like he's being watched.

Jared sighs. As uncomfortable as it was being at the Murphy's, at least he got one night where he sat down with others and ate. It was something he almost never did, save those few nights when he was younger where he'd end up at Evan's house and their Babysitter would sit them down with some off-brand mac and cheese or the occasional times he and Evan shared a class and had a group project because god forbid Evan talk to someone other than Jared. He eyes Evan again, mulling over it in his head, and he huffs out an exacerbated sigh as he lowers the window.

"Hey, Ev?"

Evan drops his eyes, looking over like a deer in headlights. But, that's how Evan always reacted. Jared gives him a moment to settle, then continues:

"...Could I stay for the night? I don't wanna drive all the way home."

Evan blinks a few times. "Whu- Um- Yeah! Of course!"

Jared rolls up the window and moves his car so it won't block Heidi from pulling in later. Then he walks up to join Evan... Then he takes Evan's keys when it becomes apparent that he's having trouble opening his own front door. Jared settles in on a blow-up mattress in Evan's room, with an extra pillow from his bed and a throw blanket. Hardly the lap of luxury... But he was just happy not to wake up to an empty house tomorrow.

He's about to nod off, when Evan starts talking again. "They looked happy."

Jared raises a brow. "Huh?"

"The Murphy's... They looked happy to have us over."

Jared rolls his eyes. "They spent most of the night arguing in front of us."

Evan sighs. "Well, yeah... But... I think us being there helped them with their grieving."

Jared... couldn't completely deny that. Yet. "Lying to them isn't a good form of comfort."

Evan thinks for a moment. "Is it bad to lie if it helps? If it genuinely makes things better?"

Jared pauses, thinking over the question... Then groans. "Ev, I'm tired."

"R-right, sorry."

* * *

The next Monday is... strange.

Apparently, Cynthia Murphy had posted all about Jared and Connor's "Perfect Day" on Facebook, parent's talked to their kids about it, and in turn, the kids at school were giving Jared their condolences for Connor. Even teachers were giving him perks. Offering extra time on homework, one of the lunch ladies paying for his meal that day... Jared wasn't sure if he liked the attention, but he did like being able to sell little pins with Connor's face on them. Cash was short for him right now. Maybe it wasn't completely moral, but most kids weren't really about to let him go hungry. Besides, he was far from the first person to do this, most kids were selling shirts and shit. His product was _humble_ compared to that. He could tell people the truth, but that was a bit of a sticky thing now. See, if it was him saying that it was a note Evan wrote, they might not believe him. And even if they did, they might get the wrong idea about the whole thing and start harassing Evan. And, Well, Jared wasn't about to subject the guy to that. He already thought the whole world was out to get him, actually having the world out to get him wasn't exactly going to help that. Jared could handle a crowd, even if all the people trying to 'comfort him' or 'be his new best friend' were getting on his nerves. So for now, he just nodded and confirmed. That seemed to be the only way he was able to handle his problems, lately... 

He's sitting alone at lunch, trying to get away from all the attention for a few minutes, when he is approached by Alana Beck.

"You were friends with Connor, right?"

On its own, an innocent question, but Jared was at his boiling point.

"I swear to fuck if one more person asks me-" He pauses, takes a deep breath, and slouches back into the wall. "Sorry, not your fault but I'm kind of at my limit with fake condolences right now." 

Alana seems taken aback. "They... aren't fake." She mumbles.

Jared rolls his eyes. "Look, Alana, right? Most of the kids here never gave a rats ass about Connor Murphy, if they did he'd probably still be alive right now. So you can go ahead and play along with them but leave me _out of it_."

She steps away, looking hurt more than anything... Jared feels a little bad. "Hey, wait." He calls out, "You can _stay..._ Just, I'd rather talk about literally anything else right now."

He picks at his food, not glancing at her at all... But, she decides to take a seat next to him, which in turn eases his conscious a bit.

"Sorry for yelling."

Alana shrugs. "It's alright. You're under a lot of stress, anyone else in the same situation would reach this point after a while."

Jared nods. "I guess..."

"So, You finish your math homework yet?"

He huffs. "Yeah..." 

"Nice. I got most of it done, but I think I need to ask about number 7-" Alana starts going on a tangent about stuff in that class that Jared barely understands because he wasn't really paying attention in that class, Even before the Connor stuff. Sure, he wasn't grieving, but the stress of being treated like he was just kept adding up. Maybe he shouldn't be stressed over this at all, he's not the one who lost a family member.

"You okay?" Alana asks after a few minutes. Jared looks at her and sighs.

"I don't... know? Like, I don't deserve all of this attention. I don't _want_ all of this attention. It just makes me feel... sick? Like," He pauses for a moment, considering what he's about to say, "Connor would _hate_ this."

Maybe that wasn't something he could say, but it probably held some truth. Connor would hate even being associated with Jared, let alone having people think they were friends. Plus, the person in that story Evan told-

Alana frowns. "What do you mean by that?"

Jared curls up. "That story... Wasn't all Connor." Even if he theoretically had a day like that, one day doesn't paint a full picture of a person. Him having a single day where he was super nice to one kid wouldn't make him 'Good on the inside', it just meant he had a good day. Everyone has good and bad days, what made Connor's any more special? Because he killed himself? Because everyone was sad about it? Well, Jared called bullshit. If they were sad, they'd have been sad while he was alive. He was sure some were genuinely upset, like Alana or Mrs. Murphy, but most of them were just in it for the clout... And, he guessed that the last part was starting to include him now.

Alana takes the information for a moment, formulating a response. "I guess that's true... He's being remembered for two things, and one of them is that he killed himself. Mental Health is important, and I'm glad it's being talked about more around school, but It's not a very nice image to leave behind... I had a group project with Connor once, we had to talk about Huck Finn and he kept calling it... Well..."

Jared chuckles just a little under his breath.

Alana goes on. "But, that's not the person I think is really being represented by all of this, that's why I'm trying to get what I knew about him out there."

Jared exhales. "Exactly. It's not **him**. If this were about me, I'd personally haunt every single person involved in this crap."

He expects Alana to laugh, it was him attempting to be funny, but it must've landed flat. Instead, she asks, "Why do you say that?"

Jared would normally deflect this, but he considers it for a brief moment and shrugs. "I dunno... Imagine if you died one day and the person everyone remembered you as wasn't... you? How would you feel about it?"

Alana thinks over it. "I guess not good, if you can even _feel_ things after death... But, I'd rather not think about that." She admits. Jared looks at her, then goes back to picking at his food.

"Me neither."

She looks at him. "Were you and Connor actually friends? Like, at all?"

Jared curls up. He needs to admit this. He needs to say it to someone but his throat closes up on him and he can't even say a single word. Alana just stares, expectingly, and he can't even do anything... But, maybe that says enough about the situation at hand. 

"Okay." Is all she says. He can't read the tone behind it. He can't tell if it's confirming a suspicion or if it's disgusted or if the silence actually makes her believe the lie /more. He just stares at his uneaten food, which he's pretty sure if he tried to eat now would just overwhelm his senses. After a moment or two (he can't tell), He sees a pen enter his line of sight. One of those ballpoints that click when you extend the ink press. Jared quietly takes it, making small clicks every few moments. If someone passes by, he stops, but he knows despite all Alana blabbers about she can at least hold a secret and doesn't mind letting her see this side of him that not even Evan knows too much about. The 'weird' part of him that everyone hated in middle school and that he swore off being years ago. The part that only came out when he was extremely stressed out or when he finally got home and didn't have to keep up an act.

"Are you gonna be alright?" She asks after he's clicked the pen a good number of times and his body finally released tension. Jared shrugs, still not up for talking... He's considering ditching the rest of his classes, it's not like the school is gonna mark him up for it.

Alana scribbles something down on a notecard. "I don't feel completely comfortable leaving you alone, but the bell is going to ring soon and I have a group presentation next period, so here... In case you need to talk to someone." 

Jared takes it without looking, stuffing it into his front pocket. But, he does his best to express a look of gratitude, if for no reason other than to be polite. He doesn't bother trying to sell her a pin, and as she walks off he curls into the corner a little more. Realizing he's been left without anything else to do, he gives the card a look over...

There's a mental health hotline, a texting line for the same organization, and Alana's own number. 

Well, at least she gave him some choices. He pulls his phone out and saves them into his contacts, then he texts Evan.

_I'm going home early, can't handle this Connor crap right now, thought I'd warn you so you wouldn't panic next period._

He gets another text a few minutes later when he's gathered his back and grabs his lunch tray.

**Okay. Thank you.**

_Try not to say anything while I'm gone._

**I'll do my best.**

Jared looks over his lunch... He shouldn't have bought it. It was a waste of money... He saves the vegetables and actually eats the bread roll, but the questionable meat salad and chunky chocolate milk gets tossed. Maybe they would've given him food poisoning anyways, he justifies to himself. He slips out of school during passing period, the security officers don't even seem to care, and he walks home. You'd think he'd stop at the store or a fast food place for a replacement lunch on his way home, but instead, he just deposits the cash he'd gotten from selling buttons earlier in the day and goes home... He has food there, he doesn't need to spend things on more.

* * *

"You went back to the Murphy's?" Jared questions when he comes back to school the next morning.

Evan rubs his neck, as he does. "W-Well, I mentioned you'd gone home early and Zoe offered to give me a ride home but we ended up talking and going back to her place and... Y-yeah."

Jared isn't sure what he should be feeling right now: Angry the guy went over and didn't come clean about everything. Exhausted that this was still going on and hadn't just died down yet. Bewildered Evan Hansen managed to get alone time with Zoe Murphy. More than anything he's just confused. "You went _back_? After that shitshow of a dinner, you actually went back?"

Evan shrugs. "Well, it's not their fault it went bad, they're just grieving."

Jared leans back, glaring at Evan. "Yeah, and I'm sure they were just like The fucking Brady Bunch when Connor was still alive," He says skeptically. He starts to leave.

"Well, it's a good thing I did go back! B-Because Cynthia said she wanted to hear more about your guys' friendship."

And Jared stops, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What did you tell her this time?"

"N-Nothing specific... I may have alluded to seeing you go through old emails that looked like they were from Connor without confirming either way... I'm sorry, I swear I tried to say something but I couldn't get the words out."

He turns back to Evan, and sighs. "Okay. I'm still upset but _that's_ more reasonable. I can just say they were from someone else and you got too nosy about it. Perfect!" At least that meant Evan was trying.

Evan frowns. "I guess... Um, you see that post on the school's website? About the mental health assembly on Friday?"

Jared had. The wording of it had Alana Beck written all over it, not that this was a surprising thing. "What about it?"

"You gonna stay for it?"

Jared pauses and rolls his eyes. "I dunno, I don't plan ahead that far." He'd probably end up going, if for no other reason then so Evan who would never leave school early for anything wouldn't be suffering alone through the whole thing. 

Evan plays with the hem of his shirt. "It's..." He pauses. "No, I shouldn't say that- that sounds wrong."

Jared raises a brow, almost reading his mind. "It's weird that Connor Murphy is doing more for the school _dead_ than he ever did alive?"

Evan's eyes go wide. "That's- I mean- No! He was- He wasn't the nicest guy, but that doesn't mean it isn't upsetting that he killed himself!" 

"I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just saying it's like... A Double standard. Freaks like us and Connor can't get those resources when we're alive to use them but suddenly one of us offs ourselves and it's like 'We need to talk about this tragic event that plagues our otherwise perfect happy school'. Like, Cool, we're talking about it... But by next month the next big scandal is gonna break out and it won't matter to anyone anymore. Connor will just be that kid we all look back at the 10-year reunion and think 'Oh yeah, I remember him.'"

Jared slugs back further into the wall after bursting all of this out. Evan stands quietly, but he seems to agree at least a little. "W-well... What do we do about that?" He asks.

Jared looks him in the eyes. "Nothing. We let this die down, and all those lies we've told will go with it so we don't have to keep building off of them." He doesn't **like** that things are this way. A part of him hopes the mental health discussions continue a little, if for no reason other than maybe the school will become more mindful. But, he knows it won't happen. He knows the talk will fade down after the assembly. Connor will just be that kid they have a moment of silence for at graduation, a statistic in a paper, the guy Jared admittedly wishes he hadn't been as mean to on the first day if for no reason other than he wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of possibly having an indirect hand in someone else's' death.

...He really didn't want to admit it. He never saw Connor Murphy on a day where he wasn't trying to start shit, but... It still made him queasy. Then again, he'd felt queasy all morning.

Evan leans back, hands over his stomach indicating that the sick feeling is mutual. "I wish we could do _something_ about it."

Jared sighs. "You can't sway the masses that quickly, Evan... No one can." Evan curls up more, quiet except for his shaky breathing. "Ev, you better not start crying on me. Cause if you cry then I'm gonna cry then the counselors are gonna get on my back again and-"

He stops when it becomes apparent that this isn't distracting him or making him chuckle like Jared wants. He looks around for a moment, making sure no one is watching, and leans his shoulder into Evan's arm... It's the bad one, so he's mindful. And, when Evan doesn't pull away and eventually stops shaking, Jared knows he succeeded.

When the bell rings they separate, the phrase "See you later" goes unsaid but not unknown. 

* * *

The mental health assembly is so-so, in Jared's opinion. It's nothing special from an everyday pep-rally other than the "moment of silence" at the end of it. Connor's name isn't even uttered once. It's very vague, very half-assed. But, the few things that were good about it; The resources mainly; had felt genuine. He pitied Alana a little. He wasn't exactly sure if she set this up, but it seemed like the school was barely on board with it.

He doesn't really dwell on it over the weekend, or during his and Evan's Monday morning conversation. His first class is a bore, there's a sub so everyone just treats it as an extended study period. Jared keeps his head down for most of it, that queasy feeling has yet to leave his stomach. The one nice thing he has to say about it is that they don't have assigned seats. Jared can just plop his ass down wherever he wants depending on how much he actually wants to pay attention that day. He walks in, not really leaning towards a certain spot, but ends up slipping into a spot next to Alana. He isn't sure why, it probably had something to do with yesterday though. 

He isn't expecting a greeting, but she gives him one anyway. "Hey, you look a lot better today."

Jared blinks. "Oh, uh... Thanks?" He didn't feel all that great. Kind of groggy, kind of hungry, but he supposed he wasn't overwhelmed. Then again, the day had barely started, there was still a chance for that.

She glances at him. "So, I was talking to Evan earlier. Evan Hansen. He said you knew him?"

He nods and confirms. "Yeah, we're family friends."

"Thought so. Anyways, I had asked him about you and he went on this long... Connor tangent?"

Jared blinks. "What did he say?"

"Well, he had this idea... A Memorium page for Connor to keep his memory alive and let others know that they aren't alone? Anyways, we thought you could share your experiences about him, and possibly talk to the Murphy's about getting their blessing before we move forward."

Jared blinks. "Why me?"

"Oh, Well... I asked him if he knew anything about you and Connor's friendship. He went on and on about the emails. I was a little upset you didn't talk to me about it, but I suppose it makes sense you'd be more comfortable confiding in Evan about this whole situation."

Jared's stomach squeezes uncomfortably. "I um... I don't... think..." What is he supposed to say? The message is bad? It's wrong to remember someone? He feels like he's gonna...

...

...

...

"Kleinman, you're excused to go to the nurse."

He stands up, his legs shaking like a newborn fawn. He thinks Alana tries to help him, he isn't sure, whoever it is they're shoved away and Jared stumbles off on his own... He gets there eventually, he thinks they call his mom. He's excused, but they're not keen on letting him leave on his own even though he's practically an adult at this point. He asks them to phone Evan over. He needs to yell at the guy anyways.

Jared still drives himself home, because Evan sure as fuck can't drive (Jared made that mistake one time).

"So... This, Connor Project?" Jared brings up.

"Yeah?" Evan mumbles.

"I told you I don't wanna keep doing this shit!"

Evan sighs. "I know but, listen to me, please? At least hear me out!"

Jared huffs, he tastes vomit in his mouth again. "Alright, you got 5 minutes to pitch this to me before we get to my house."

Evan takes a deep breath. "I thought a lot, about what you said the other day? How Connor would just fade away and disappear once people found another talking point? And, well... Y'know..." He pauses. "I thought about, and I decided no one... deserves that? Like, If I died the next day and no one even noticed I had gone, I'd be really upset about that y'know? So, I started thinking 'what if there was something out there to make people feel less alone about their struggles'? And, That was My idea... Did Alana tell you everything?"

Jared shakes his head. "I kind of blacked out and vomitted." He isn't sure if he's even sick. He had basically nothing to eat so he was a little impressed that he couldn't even keep a buttered slice of toast with a little jam on it down.

"Well, the basic idea is we get a memorial page up with little blurbs about Connor's life and links to mental health resources, try to keep a good online presence through social media... Then We start a fundraiser to reopen Happy Smiles Orchard for the Murphy's because they said that they used to go there all the time as a family and I thought it might be a good way to give them like... A last piece of him? And then we have a Mandatory assembly to kick that off once we get the website good to go. I thought you could help code it since, y'know, you're kind of a tech wizard."

Jared sighs. "But... why? Evan?"

Evan curls up. "It... Think about how many people this could help Jared? You saw the Murphy's! They're a wreck! And talking about Connor is like, helping other kids at school open up about their issues more? It's small but... I've seen it."

Jared hasn't. But, maybe Jared just hasn't looked for it... He's in his own world after all, a world where no one knows anything about him. He doesn't completely love it, but he isn't sure he'd be able to handle being in the spotlight of all of this. Opening up about a non-existent friendship. "Evan, I dunno... I..." He retches a little, then continues after a few moments, "I told you, I don't want to make this lie any worse than it already is."

"So, don't! Only talk about stuff you've already mentioned! Just..." He rubs his cast. "I think there's a lot of people hurting out there Jared, and I know you said we can't do anything about it... But, if there's even a chance that we could then I want to take it."

Jared rubs his head. "Evan... Look at me Right now?" He keeps his eyes on the road, but he can tell that the other is listening. "I can't handle this anymore. People keep asking me about this hokey fake-ass friendship, and I'm getting sick of it! Literally!" He takes another deep breath. "Go through with this if you want, but leave me out of it... I just wanna get through the rest of the year and let everything go back to normal."

"...There is no 'going back to normal'. Connor won't be there anymore. He was part of that normal for a long time..."

Jared pulls into his driveway, leaning back in his seat and turning his car off. "Look, we can talk more about this later... For now, can you just... fuck... Help me get inside? I really need a nap."

Evan comes around the other side, supporting Jared with his good arm and leading him along. Jared thinks a little more about the conversation... It was at least a selfless reason, he supposed. Evan was just too hyperempathetic for his own good sometimes like that. At most, Jared thought it was idealism. He figured this thing would tank within the first week... He thinks they shouldn't bother with a fundraiser, just put the page up and give people an anonymous space to vent or something to keep resources up on. It's less theatrical, maybe, but it at least gives Jared an easy out. 

He still just wants Evan to come clean about the whole thing. He'd prefer that. But, Maybe that was a Jared problem and not an everyone else problem... Maybe the Murphy's were doing a lot better, Maybe kids at school felt more heard during the conversations surrounding Connor. He isn't sure, He just wants to pretend it's not happening, to just nod and confirm at every question he's asked until people leave him alone. But, He can't really do that anymore.

...

Jared wakes up a few hours later, his stomach still aching along with the rest of his body. He could just lay there, forever if he wanted, but his dry pukey mouth was begging for water. So he shakily gets up from his spot and walks downstairs, arm clutching his stomach and a nice blanket draped around his shoulders. He doesn't remember grabbing this one when he fell asleep, maybe Evan had gotten it for him... Was he still here?

"...Ev?" He calls out, slouching against the wall. He doesn't hear an immediate response, which makes him worry that maybe he'd been left alone. But, Evan quietly pokes his head out from around a corner.

"You shouldn't be out of bed." He's being scolded, but it's so soft-spoken it doesn't sound like it. It's an Evan scold.

Jared groans. "Can you just get me some water or something?"

"Alright but, go back to bed please?"

He does, but he complains about it. He deserves a little leeway to complain, he thinks. He's had a shit day... What time was it even? He checks his phone, and through the blinding screen, he's told it's noon. He places it on his bedside table, and just curls up and waits for Evan to bring him his water. The moment he does, his door opens. He's about to comment on how quick Evan got the water...

But, it's not Evan.

_It's his mom._

"Hey there, kiddo." She greets. Jared stays quiet. He didn't really wanna talk to her right now. What would he even say? 

His mom walks over, pressing her hand to his forehead. It's agonizingly cold against him. "Hm... Yup, that's a fever. You can stay home tomorrow if you don't feel well by then."

"...Okay." He mumbles, curling back up.

"So, how have you been?" She asks.

"Mom, I got a headache right now."

"Right, right. Well, We can talk more tomorrow."

"Sure." He knows they won't. He talked more with his Uncle Linus in New Jersey than he did with her... It says a lot that Evan was smothering him more than his own Mom. She leaves the room without a further word, and Evan replaces her not long after. Jared takes the cup of water, sips from it, and rests his head again.

"...I can't stand her." He grumbles.

Evan rubs his arm. "I know... But, at least she's trying now yeah?"

"Trying what? She's gonna be gone again tomorrow." 

Evan sighs. "Yeah... Mom's huh? They're never around when you need them."

Jared laughs. "Dad's neither, huh?"

Evan squirms for a moment but laughs as well. "At least your Dad wanted you."

Jared punches himself internally. He stops laughing. "...Sorry."

Evan shrugs. "Whatever, he got his perfect Colorado stripper wife and his perfect 2 kids."

Jared can't help but snort at that comment. He curls under his blanket a little more. "...You can stay over if you want." Truthfully, he doesn't want Evan to leave. As much as the guy has caused him stress with this whole Connor mess, Jared really doesn't want to be alone right now. And he definitely didn't want to be alone with his mom.

Evan blinks at the offer. "Are you sure? Because If you're just saying that-"

"Dude, shut up. My head hurts." Jared mumbles, "You don't have to, just thought you'd like it better than sitting alone with my mom while she drives you home."

Evan squirms. "...Yeah, that's true." His phone suddenly buzzes, and once he reads the message he grimaces. "Um, Alana's checking in... You know Alana, right?"

"More like she knows me." He mumbles.

"Right, Um... She's asking if you're okay? And also wants to know what you think about The Connor Project..."

Jared lifts his head just slightly. "I think that I'm not okay and it's pretty clear how I feel about this, Evan."

Evan nods. "Right, well... You brought up scaling it back, yeah?" 

Jared rolls over on his side. Thinking over it... He really didn't wanna be involved in this. At all. But, Evan had brought up a point he hadn't considered: This could help people. It could offer a huge source of comfort, or at least lead them in the right direction. He eyes Evan and sighs.

"Why don't we just start small? Just the blog and the second assembly for now... It'd be kinda scummy just to go 'look at this dead guy, it's sad, give us your money you heartless assholes' right out the gate."

Evan nods. "Okay... That's reasonable."

"I don't want my face posted around anywhere for this."

"That's... Okay. We can work around that." He mumbles.

"The fundraiser aspect, when it kicks in, is _secondary_. It isn't the big focus, Education and providing resources is."

Evan nods. "Yeah, that's probably for the best."

"If the Murphy's don't give us their blessing to move forward, we drop the whole thing and go back to my plan of waiting until it's all behind us and going back to normal... Deal?"

Evan sticks his hand out. "Deal. I'll run this by Alana."

Jared shakes it and rolls onto his other side. "...Hey, could you see if we have soup? When I wake up again in a few hours I wanna try eating something."

"Oh, yeah sure. Will do." Evan leaves the room, shutting the light off and closing the door behind him. That, plus the blackout curtains, darken the room enough for the little stars on Jared's ceiling to illuminate faintly. He takes a deep breath, and sighs... Maybe this project would be a good thing in the long run, even if he was hesitant. The thought made him a little sick though.

He recalls a conversation he had with his dad when he was younger. He can't quite remember how it started, but he does remember something that he kept close to him. "If nothing else, Jared, you can always find a reason to laugh." He had said, "And a good laugh will always bring joy to someone." It was a philosophy they both held close, one that had brought them closer together during those times. Even as things got worse, his Dad always had a reason to laugh down to his dying breaths.

And here was Jared: finding fewer and fewer things to laugh about as days went on... 

* * *

**It's dark.**

It's so dark Jared can't even see all that far in front of himself.

All he can do is trudge, knee-high in some mud or gunk that he's too afraid to check what it is. The further he goes the darker it gets. He feels like he should turn back but he can't move his legs any direction but forward. He just wants to stop. He wants to stop moving, but when he does he starts to sink further. 

He has to keep moving...

**He has to keep going...**

"The further you go the more lost you'll get."

He looks beside him, and his breathing nearly stops. Connor Murphy stands beside him. Sickly and pale, his eyes cloudy and lifeless, he looks like he crawled straight out of his own grave.

"It's actually kind of funny, because despite that being the truth: this whole time you've just been going in smaller and smaller circles." He laughs. Jared is speechless for a moment, only able to gawk. Then, he registers the words.

"Circles?" He mumbles.

"Yeah. You've been walking around in your own personal whirlpool, Kleinman. Look around you."

He does, and much to his horror he can make out a consistently Jared-sized trail in the mud. His one action of moving through the mud mixed it further, thickening it and allowing it to slightly refill the small indents he'd made in there. The Path continuously circles around like a snake squeezing tighter and tighter around its prey. 

"They're quite nice, the most perfectly shaped spiral I've ever seen, Even that little bump right there from all those times you tried to stop it happens in a consistent spot." 

Jared gulps. It's true. There's a little bump, getting smoother and less pronounced the more he circles himself. He looks down, realizes he's now up to his hips, and starts trudging again. He's glancing around frantically... And, Connor just laughs like the happiest motherfucker in the world.

"You've closed yourself in... They're just gonna keep getting smaller and smaller until you've got nowhere left to walk around."

Jared looks at him, almost pleadingly. "What do I do?" 

Connor snorts. "What _can_ you do? It's all going to end one way or another. You could stop now, succumb to the elements, or you can keep going a little longer until you starve or dehydrate or run out of places to move. Either way, you don't really have a choice in all of this." 

Jared shakes his head. "That's not true! I can stop it for real this time! I can break out of it, can't I?"

Connor smirks. "You said that during your last go around, too." He points. Jared looks and upon discovering he's already reached his little bump in the circle, sighs with defeat.

"You're caught in a loop, whether you like it or not."

He wanted to yell at Connor, tell him it wasn't true. Tell him none of this was true at all and he was in control. But, how could he? He could see it all plainly. There's a new sound in his ears, and Jared darts his head over... Is that, no it couldn't be.

"Evan?" Evan Hansen is on a dock, safe from the mud, looking out at the sea in front of him. Jared's eyes glimmer with the slightest bit of hope, and he starts frantically trying to get his attention. "Evan! Help! I can't get out!"

Connor starts laughing again. "You think he's gonna help you? After the way you've treated him for the last few years? You didn't even see him all summer."

Jared glares at him. "We're still friends! I'm... I'm trying more-"

"He doesn't seem to think so... Take another look."

He does, and this time he makes something else out. Bags and bags of dirt, all piled neatly beside him, blocking any exit to the dock. The only thing able to weave through them? A garden hose. He watches in disgust as Evan breaks open a bag, pouring all of its contents out into a large bucket before taking the hose and dousing all of it with water. He stirs it with a shovel until it's at about the same consistency as what Jared's trapped in, and starts shoveling it out again. Jared, despite the constant movement, feels the mud start to take him in just slightly deeper. 

"Why is he doing this? Can't he see it's going to kill me?"

Connor shrugs. "He can't see you at all. And even if he could, helping you would just drag him down into all of this. You're too far out yet you still can go much further down than this. He doesn't know you're in pain. He just thinks you have a little stomach bug that's going to pass in a few days..."

Jared feels a bit of bile rise back up in his throat until he remembers Connor Murphy is right there and he tries to swallow it again.

"Wow, you can't even let an apparition in your own head see you get emotional? That's pathetic. Besides, this is your 10th go around, it's part of the cycle, you can't really stop it."

It all spews out. Instead of being any sort of food or stomach acid, it's more mud. It's crept inside of him, making him feel ill and gross. He isn't even sure if he swallowed it or if it crawled up through his ass or if it was always festering there, just waiting to come out.

"I don't want to be here." He whimpers.

"You put yourself here."

"No, I didn't! It's not my fault you had Evan's stupid note with you when you decided to down a whole medicine cabinet!" 

Connor raises a brow. "Wow, way to scapegoat the dead guy. It's not like he can defend himself from lies."

"That's the only part of this that isn't a lie!" Jared snaps.

"Maybe so, but it was your only chance to prevent all of this too. You could've told my weeping mother right there in that office ' _I'_ _m sorry but there's been a misunderstanding...'_ Now you can't." He moves a little to the side and Jared can see the note. It's further away, at the beginning of the spirals, the mud slowly overtaking it. Only the words _Dear Jared Kleinman_ are visible on the front. "It's no use trying to tell the truth now. You didn't even read it, you let Evan keep that knowledge to himself and you can't disprove it anymore."

"He deserves his privacy, doesn't he?"

"Well, of course, he does! But, maybe some of the information there could've stopped this. Not that reading it will make a difference now."

Jared stares around him. The spirals, the letter, Evan shoveling more mud, the constant movements he's making despite his legs threatening to buckle under him at any moment. It's torture. He hates it. He doesn't want to die like this.

"Face it, Kleinman, You're in way over your head. And you're all alone too."

Jared looks over, somehow failing to realize Connor has been sinking this whole time. He's up to his pits, his arms just resting over the surface of the mud. Jared trembles, but Reaches over and tries to pull him along anyways. He even manages to lift him up to his stomach.

"C'mon. Just keep moving." He begs.

Connor tilts his head. "Why?

"I can't just let you die."

"You did though. I'm already dead! I'm just here because if you talked to yourself you wouldn't listen. I'm not even Connor. I'm just the Connor you created in your head based on our interactions and every little fading spark of hope you still desperately hold onto like a kid in a toy store."

Jared shakes his head. "That's it though! I need to save what I knew about you... If I let you get buried, then I lose all autonomy in this situation."

"You don't have autonomy in this situation. We've established that. It's just a whirlpool, Jared. The only way out is to sink."

Jared shakes his head. "If I can't get out I can at least fight to die on my own terms, can't I? I can at least tell the world that there were bad things, too..."

Connor shrugs, completely indifferent. "Isn't that just suicide?"

Jared shakes his head. "Well, what other answer is there?"

Connor laughs. "You could wake up, not that it particularly matters. I'll probably be here the next time you doze off anyways. You always did have those recurring nightmares, didn't you? Of course, you're the only one who knows that..."

**...**

He shoots straight up in his bed. Or, at least as much as he can, his bedsheets have been tangled around his lower body. His stomach still feels queasy, he can see a little vomit on his pillow that thankfully someone had the brains to put a towel over. He stares for a moment, hearing Evan stir on the air mattress but quickly falling back asleep like nothing had happened. Jared sighs. He takes the towel off, places in on the ground, and turns his pillow over so He can stare at his ceiling for the next few hours.

He was gonna just lay here all day, skip out on school... Evan only leaves him when he's sipped down some ice water and a few saltine crackers to eat. He'd never say it out loud, but he appreciated that Evan cared enough to make him do that. It was probably the least amount of effort he could put into it, but it made all the difference. When Evan is gone, Jared is just left to ponder over the dream. He wasn't sure if it had some bullshit deeper meaning or if it was just his repressed anxiety trying to paranoy him. He gets a headache from thinking about it too long, but somewhere along the way concludes that there must be a reason for it if nothing else.

  
He spent most of the morning just scrolling through his phone, just trying to stay updated on all the things going on. He tries to remember if he has a test today, but He can't. And when these actions bring his migraine back he just turns his phone off and stares at the ceiling again. The dimmed star stickers look down at him, as they do every night. He looks back just as blankly but internally is grateful for their constant presence in his life for the last 12 years...

He's only finally broken from this meditative trance when his phone buzzes again. It's Evan.

**Hey, Alana wanted to talk about project stuff but I said you should be more included in that so now she wants to call in.**

He groans a little bit.

_Alright, gimme a few minutes._

He shuffles a bit in his bed, positioning himself just a little more upright and putting his glasses back on his face. He grabs the now a bit lukewarm water, swishes it in his mouth, and swallows it. He takes a deep breath and video calls them.

Before he can say a word Alana is giving him a run down.

"Okay so I think you have a good point rolling back on some of this stuff, as it is just the three of us, but if more people got on the project would you consider picking them back up again?"

Jared blinks, barely processing it for the first few moments. "I um... I don't want this thing getting too commercial, I think the three of us could handle it but we should just keep focus in specific areas until we feel comfortable shifting them?"

Alana hums, nodding her head. "That would make everything easier to manage. Do you run any clubs perchance? You seem to be good at this."

Jared frowns. "Uh, no... Just intuition I guess? What else did you wanna talk about?"

She goes over a few of her other ideas for the project. Evan barely makes a peep throughout the whole thing until she brings up a specific Idea he had.

"And Evan thought maybe you could publish a few of the Emails up on Connor's page?"

Jared looks at him specifically though his phone, Evan rubs his neck. "If you're comfortable with it, obviously. I mean, those were really private conversations." But it reads as _I know you don't really wanna do this and I'm giving you an easy out._

Jared mulled over it. He could do Emails, he supposed. Backdating was hella easy, all they'd need is a fake screen name for Connor and they'd be good to go. "Sure, since it was your idea how about you help me file through them, buddy?" Which reads as _You're helping me fake my way through these, asshole._

Evan nods. "Sure, I can come over after school..."

Alana smiles. "Good, you guys can work that out then. I have another club meeting that I need to attend, but I could swing by later tonight if Jared feels up for it then. He does need his rest."

Jared nods. "We'll let you know."

The line goes down. And a few moments later Evan sends another text saying he'll help with the Emails during his free-period and after school. Jared sends some jokey response that he can't really remember, and lays back down for a few moments. And it's in those few moments that he reaches a realization:

These last couple of weeks have been the most frequent that Jared has spoken to Evan in years. It was the most attention they'd given to each other, and probably the most effort they'd ever put into their friendship on both ends. And, despite his fear of Evan seeing that side of him he's hidden away for years... Jared was kind of enjoying it. He liked that he had more of an excuse to talk to the guy now, even if a good portion of their conversations were extremely frustrating. And the ones that weren't were really... Well, they made Jared remembered why he and Evan still hung around each other at all. It made him remember a simpler time when social construct bullshit hadn't fully set in. A time where Jared could cry without feeling like a loser. A time when people were actually listening to him and not just half-reacting to his quips in class. A time before his dad had died and the world seemed so much simpler and all he had to worry about was how long they had left to hang out that day.

...

Zoe Murphy ends up visiting with Evan after school.

Apparently the news that Jared that thrown up in the middle of class had somehow gotten passed on to Ms. Murphy, so Jared was given a nice dinner of tomato soup. It was bland. He wished he had a grilled cheese to wash it down with, but He also wasn't really in a position to be picky about it. Plus, it served as a nice way for him and Evan to soft-pitch the project to Zoe for input before they got her parent's approval. He let Evan do most of the talking, on account of him enjoying his soup and because the guy could use a little practice giving these sorts of presentations.

"-And we were thinking about possibly holding a fundraiser, for a memorial thing, but we're gonna wait for a bit to see how traffic goes... What do you think?"

Zoe leans back into her chair. "Sounds... Interesting. They'll definitely like it."

Evan beams. "That's good! Um, I'll be right back." He was doing that leg fidget he did when he had to pee but didn't want to be rude about it, Jared noted. He turned back to his soup. 

"Why are you doing this?" Zoe asks suddenly. 

Jared looks over and raises a brow. "What does _'this'_ refer to exactly?"

"This whole... Connor Project thing."

Jared isn't sure what to say, so he parrot's Evan's words. "Well, no one really deserves to be forgotten-" 

"He did. He was a monster."

Jared paused... He could argue with her. He could try to convince her that Connor wasn't that bad, but that'd be a lie. The expression on her face mostly said anger, but Jared could read other things too. More complicated emotions. From what he'd seen, Zoe hadn't really cared much that her brother was gone (or that's what she showed everyone). And, given what Jared had seen at school, he could only imagine what living with Connor must've been like. He had _no right_ to invalidate her for having complicated feelings about him. 

"You're not wrong." He replies after a thoughtful silence.

She seems taken aback. "Huh?"

Jared rolls his eyes. "You think I just toss around school-shooter comments out of the blue?" He questions, "Give me more credit, it takes time to come up with specific insults."

Zoe is completely dumbfounded by his words. "But, you were his friend-"

Jared throws his hands up. "That doesn't mean I have to excuse his actions. Connor was a dick sometimes, I wish he owned up to it more often instead of just acting like he's immune from criticism he was hurting and felt bad when he did that shit. Like, I feel bad when I do the wrong thing but you don't see me chucking printers across the room!"

Zoe blinks, and her body seems to release tension. "Yeah... I dunno, I thought you'd be more defensive about it."

Jared shakes his head. "I could be, but what good would that do?"

She sighs. "...What good does remembering him do?"

Jared looks at his hands for a moment, playing with his soup a little. "...Again: Connor was obviously hurting, and he took it out on a lot of people. His family, his friends, himself... He needed help. That doesn't mean his actions are just supposed to just be excused because he's dead. Some of the things he did had lasting impacts, even if he didn't think about those negatives..." He pauses for a moment, and sighs, "Sometimes you have to feel sorry for people who'll never get better, and that means that you have to acknowledge all sides of it: Good and Bad. You can't let either of those things be forgotten. I promise I'm not gonna just let this whole thing become like... A Connor Murphy circlejerk."

That succeeds in drawing a chuckle from Zoe, and Jared considers it a job well done. She slouches into the chair a little. "Well um, if you want more first-hand accounts on like... Bad stuff..." She goes quiet. He feels his stomach clench again and just sticks a hand out to get her attention.

"Thank you," Jared mumbles, "But I'm not gonna make you do anything... If you wanna make a post on the blog sometime, just ask and I'll get you in. If not, then don't make yourself relive that stuff for my or Evan or Alana's sakes'."

She nods, and by the time Evan comes back in, they've gone quiet again. Jared excuses himself, wanting to rest some more. Not sleep, just rest. He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep after that nightmare he had last night about Connor... He'd probably go back to school tomorrow, even if he wasn't 100% better, just for the sake of not missing too much school. Plus, He'd rather be there for any conversations about the project Evan and Alana were definitely having without him.

* * *

The pitch for Mr. and Mrs. Murphy goes well.

It goes _too well_ , in Jared's opinion.

Part of him wished they had declined it. The part of him that still wanted Evan to admit this whole thing had happened because of a misunderstanding. Jared could tell them, he knows he could, but... He wants to try harder to be a good friend. And, he figures for now that means respecting that Evan's private life isn't something he just wants to blurt out to the Murphy's. Hell, considering the rant Mr. Murphy had had at dinner about how he though Therapy was "a bunch of hippy crap" they probably wouldn't humor the idea of a 'therapy note' even if it was the truth. 

They let them stay afterward, just to have friendly chats, but Jared wasn't up much for talking. He quietly slipped upstairs, unable to really leave (he was Evan and Alana's ride home). His head feels a little frazzled, too many stimuli entered his system today he figures... He walks into a random room, initially intending to just sit down in the middle of it and stare at the floor for a few minutes.

But, there's an all too familiar energy to this space...

He walked into Connor's room. He feels like he should leave, he's intruding after all, but his curiosity gets the better of him and he takes a peek around. He isn't sure if he's looking for anything in particular, but it's... alluring. A glimpse into a world he'd ever fully understand or learn about, but one he was essentially pretending to be an expert on. There's a few things of note, to him, mostly because he didn't expect Connor Murphy of all people to have them in his room: 

A single sketchbook paired with a charcoal set. It looked lightly used, if it had been at all...

A bookshelf that looked like it had never been cleaned out. Things ranging from novels and encyclopedias to children's stories and picture books that hadn't been given away lined them... As well as a single cactus (he couldn't tell if it was real or not, but he didn't care too much).

And lastly, was a small box that was poking out of the bed... This was the moment where Jared decided to actually interact with the space and pulled it out to take a look. It was filled with a few racecars and small toys, ones Jared would think the guy would've outgrown. But, maybe he saved them, not ready to yet part.

There were other, less pleasant details as well; the thin coatings of ash on the window sill, bumps in the wall that looked like painted over botched attempts at filling holes with plaster, and a drawer filled with nothing but sharp objects that Jared pretended not to see.

"I thought I might find you in here."

He freezes, glancing at Mrs. Murphy. She must think he looks guilty or something because she instantly starts to reassure him. "It's alright! I just noticed you wandered off and wanted to check on you is all, kiddo."

He nods. "I just wanted to... take a look."

She steps in right next to him, observing things for herself, and letting out a long sigh. "Did he ever bring you over?"

Jared bites his lip, nodding and confirming as always. "Once or twice."

"...Did he ever talk to you about..." Her voice goes quiet. Normally, Jared would nod and confirm again, but this is the one time he decides he needs to deny.

"He didn't. We didn't really talk about that kind of stuff with each other. I could see some of it, looking back, but... I never thought he'd..."

And, Jared didn't. 

He didn't think anyone he knew would do that; whether it was someone who terrified him like Connor had or someone he cared about like Evan was, he just assumed they all wanted to live a good long life. And, maybe everyone who's suicidal actually does without realizing it.

Mrs. Murphy wraps an arm around him while he's not paying attention, and for a good minute just holds him. Jared isn't sure what to think of it. It's nice, like one of Heidi's hugs, he enjoys it. But, he doesn't say it. He doesn't show any emotion whatsoever, because if He did he'd get clingy. And if he got clingy, there's no telling what could happen... There's a brief moment, where he wishes that his own mother was doing this instead of some grieving mother he barely knows. Maybe then he wouldn't feel as sick about it.

Mrs. Murphy squeezes him. "We're not gonna clean this place out for a while, but if you see anything you want feel free to take it. I'm sure Connor would've wanted you to have a few of his things." She releases him, and leaves him in quiet. Jared glances around but he doesn't take anything. It'd be wrong to. He doesn't say anything when he sees Evan holding a wad of newspapers later, either, and just waits out the rest of their visit...

He gets home to find a note on the table from his mom, meaning she probably came here between shifts.

_Dinners in the fridge. Blah-Blah-blah..._

He crumples it and tosses it in the bin. He checks the fridge- taco meat and chopped lettuce. He's not really hungry right now, the Murphy's didn't let them leave until they had a snack. He grabs a glass of water and walked back to his room. It becomes apparent quickly that the house had been cleaned while he was out. The dust and grime on the floor had been slightly swept away. But, despite this superficial layer of paint, it's the same cold house he'd always gone home to.

He walks tiredly to his bed and lays down. He goes over a few of the emails he and Evan had been writing, checking them for jumps in logic and contradictions in their narrative. Making sure Connor sounded at least a little close to Connor and not like Jared or Evan venting their own frustrations through Connor. He's about halfway through when he reaches for his water and glances up at the ceiling.

He nearly spits out the small sip he had taken all over his laptop.

The stars are gone. He thought they were there when he walked in, but instead, there's just an impression in the layers and layers of dust that had been left by their presence.

He shuts his curtains, almost as though to convince himself that they're still there and they'll still glow just slightly. But they aren't, and they don't.

... He doesn't intend to break down right here and now, but breakdowns are like that. He isn't sure how long he's standing there, just breathing and staring down at his hands, but it's long enough that the world outside and inside his room gets darker. He manages to break from his trance for a brief moment, and start mindlessly scrolling through his phone. They're star stickers, he tells himself, they're childish and he's childish for feeling so attached to them. But, they can't leave his head. They're stuck to his brain like they once were to the ceiling. He goes through random apps, desperate for anything to catch his attention long enough for him to forget. At one point he accidentally phones someone, Alana. He doesn't have enough time to react before she answers.

"Hello Jared, do you need something?"

He was frozen before, but now he feels even more stuck. He gets caught in a cycle of trying to stammer out a response and his shaky breathing overtaking his words. Alana, thankfully, seems to realize what's going on and starts trying to help.

"Jared, Can you hear me?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Jared I need a favor from you. I need you to exhale everything, and just hold your breath like that for as long as you can, okay?"

It takes him a few moments, but he manages to do it. He holds nothing in his lungs until he needs to breathe again and reflex takes over.

"Good." Alana says from the other line, "Can you do it two more times for me?"

He does, and through reasons he can't explain, it actually starts to calm him down a little. His head feels less like it stuck in a loop and he manages to move away from the same spot he's been standing in for at least an hour.

"Are you okay?" Is eventually asked. Jared sulks for a moment, his head still settling.

"...I don't know."

"Could you tell me what's going on?"

He shakes his head on reflex, then remembers she can't see him. "It's stupid."

She takes a deep breath on the other end. "Jared Kleinman. I don't know who told you that; but If it's serious enough for you to have a panic attack over, then it's not stupid at all."

He lets this repeat in his head for a few moments, trying to internalize it. He can't. Not right now. But he decides to talk about it. "...My dad got me these like, glow in the dark stars- Y'know the kind you stick to your ceiling? And we spend that whole afternoon fussing over their placement and figuring out what we were gonna do... And, I came home today and I think my mom must've pulled them off and It's like all I had left of him and I'm sorry I know I'm freaking out over dumb shit-"

"Jared, _Breathe_."

He does, He can feel his eyes watering a little and he doesn't want to cry right now but he can't help it anymore.

"Listen, It's perfectly reasonable for you to be upset about this. I'd be mad too if My parents came into my room and changed anything about it, no matter how small it was. But, I don't think this is a small thing for you."

He tries to believe it, and it's hard, but the fact that it's being told to him by someone else makes it a little easier. "...Okay."

"Are you safe?"

The question takes him aback. "Yeah? I mean... I'm the only one in the whole house? So, I'm safe." He mumbles.

"Do you want me or Evan to come over there at all? Because I'm sure he would if I asked and I'm not in the middle of anything right now."

He thinks about it. "...Can you just stay on the phone for a little and talk? About anything?"

There's a pause. "Okay." And Alana starts to go on a tangent about one of her other clubs and how they're having trouble with some management thing going on. He's only partially paying attention, despite his best efforts. He occasionally interjects with a comment, but his quips are noticeably absent from this conversation. But, despite this, he finds it soothing. He wraps up a throw blanket over himself, curling into a little Jared-shaped mass, and lets his eyes flutter shut as he listens to Alana talk. He was still upset, but he had time to process through those feelings at another time. For now, he just wanted to calm down...

* * *

He's walking through the mud again, up to his waist. His stomach feels gross and wet. Connor Murphy is still in his arms, being dragged along.

"I'm just slowing you down, I don't know why you're still bothering." He murmurs.

Jared rolls his eyes. "Carrying you along with me is the only chance I've got. We're the only ones stuck here, we might as well be stuck together."

Connor rolls his eyes. "We've established already that I'm not real, Jared... Well, I have, you just won't believe it."

"Bullshit you aren't real," Jared grunts, taking a few more big steps, "You said you were based on my interactions with Connor, right?"

"Partially, yes-"

"So, you're real in that sense, you're like... A memory." He mumbles.

"A Memory, A Desire in your heart, who knows? I only know as much as you do man, anything else is just something your own speculations."

"Well, can I speculate a way out of this mess?"

Not-Connor- ...Yeah, no, he's not doing that- Connor just shrugs. "I told you: it's kinda hopeless."

Jared huffs. He looks over to Evan again. He's even further away this time, still shoveling and mixing. It hurts. It really does. It hurts more that Evan won't even look at it. Jared glances around for a moment. He sees a watch on Connor's wrist.

"... Could I?"

Connor rolls his eyes. "I get to punch you when it doesn't work."

He rolls his eyes back and takes the watch away. Then, he chucks it as far as he can. It lands on the dock, grazing Evan's leg. He notices it. He looks past, around where it must've landed. Jared's breath hitches. He looks out at the sea of mud, finally facing Jared...

But, seconds later, he's shoveling again. 

There's a fist in his gut not long after, and Connor sneers. "What did I tell you? He can't tell how you feel."

Jared winces. "It should be obvious-"

"When has Evan ever noticed the obvious thing? The guy climbed a 40-foot oak tree and didn't think about the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the branches towards the top wouldn't be strong enough to support him and he'd fall."

Jared glares. "Sh-shut up. That's not his fault."

"No, but him blatantly not listening to you is. You told him that you didn't wanna do this, and he still convinced you into it because _'the good outweighs our personal feelings'_ or some bullshit."

Jared's about to open his mouth. But, he doesn't have a witty argument or a response to give. He feels the mud start to lap at his chest and realizes he's been standing still for far too long. He keeps walking, still dragging Connor along with him.

"...It just doesn't make sense. I've been there for him. The only time I forced him into an uncomfortable situation this whole time was because he needed to own up to his actions."

"Which you've stopped holding him to, by the way. Because you like that he's actually paying at least a little attention to you now. So really, it's all your fault for being a clingy mess."

Jared shakes his head. "I know but... Evan isn't some helpless loser. He doesn't need to be babied, he needs the opposite: He needs a shove in the right direction! But I've got my hands too full to push anymore now."

Connor cackles. "Aw, you keep trying to find poetic meanings in your actions? Cute."

Jared pauses, looking down at him again. "There has to be some meaning to it, doesn't there? There's got to be a reason all of this is happening."

Connor looks back up. "Oh, there's a **reason** this is happening: This happened because you were too much of a pussy to tell my parents otherwise about the note. But, that doesn't mean this is meaningful in anyways... I don't think there's a greater meaning to anything that's happened to you these past few weeks."

"Then why is it happening?"

Connor shrugs. "Life just happens, man. If you keep trying to find meaning in every detail in an attempt to make sense of it, you're just gonna be caught in this loop forever."

Jared glances around... He can see the stars, far out of reach, sinking into the mud until their gone gone gone.

"What do I do then?"

"I don't know, maybe _you_ should figure it out."

* * *

The website launch goes alright... But, unfortunately, it comes at the cost of more of Jared's personal privacy. He doesn't intend for it, they all just decided to have their portraits on a separate staff page. And, despite Jared having his likeness hidden in there, he still got recognized too much around town. He couldn't even get coffee on the weekends without being stopped and recognized by the barista. Most people would probably be happy to get all this attention, but Jared wasn't. He wasn't too thrilled about being _that guy who knew Connor_ around school, and now it's the entire town. His perpetual exhaustion with the whole thing follows him everywhere.

He barely notices his phone ringing when he gets home. But, seeing the contact name gives him a little relief, and once he's comfortable on the couch he answers.

"Hey, Uncle Linus." 

His Uncle speaks in a much more cheery tone than he's used to. "Hey, kiddo! Just checking in, how are things?"

"Uh... Kinda hectic. Lots going on around here." His usual demeanor melted away, he had no reason to hide anything. "I'm just sort of trying to get through things."

His uncle makes a noise. "Yeah? Things have been hectic in the office, too. But it should be calming down just before the break so I'm looking forward to that... I presume your thing has something to do with that Connor Project stuff, right?"

Jared sighs. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry that happened to your friend."

There's a good, thoughtful pause. "Hey, um, Uncle Linus? Could I tell you something kind of... private?"

"Of course, Jared. What's going on?"

"Well, It began about a week after school started..."

He starts talking about... Well, everything. The whole situation with the note, the nightmares he's been having, unrelated crap about school work piling up. He's scared the whole time, he has to force himself to talk through most of it. And when he finishes the line just goes really quiet. He worries, for a moment, but soon he hears his uncle breathe on the other end.

"That's... Wow. You've been going through that all by yourself?"

Jared sighs. "I mean, Alana talked to me a few nights ago when I started having a breakdown. But, I didn't tell her the truth and I haven't really been sleeping well since then, when I do sleep. I'm kind of scared to sleep now, cause of the nightmares. I... I don't know what to do anymore Uncle Linus. I can't tell what the right thing to do anymore is. I just feel stuck no matter what I try."

"Hey, hey there solider. Breathe."

He does. He breathes the same way Alana had shown him a few nights before. And before long his Uncle starts talking again.

"Firstly, I'm upset your mother hasn't been around to talk to you this whole time, as a parent that is just inexcusable. Now, I've obviously never been in your shoes... But, I think I understand at least a little how you're feeling. I do think the website is a good idea, but not if it's being run on false pretenses. And, I know he's your best friend, but I think you need to give Evan an ultimatum. If he won't tell the truth to the Murphy's, then _you_ have to."

Jared takes a deep breath. "What if I _can't_ say it?"

"Write it down. Leave it on their doorstep. I know it's kind of a coward's method, but at least it's honest."

Jared nods. "Okay."

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm kind of... Shakey? Like, I haven't had any privacy since this whole thing started pretty much, people keep talking to me on the streets about the whole thing. And they probably will when the truth comes out."

His Uncle hums. "Well, why don't you come down here for your break? This Connor Project thing is basically non-existent here, I only know about it from your Facebook, It'd give you some privacy."

He sniffs. "You're not gonna ask my mom first?"

"Why? You're almost an adult, and you're staying with family. I think as long as you let her know where you are you should be able to decide that for yourself. Besides: You sound like you could use a vacation, kiddo, and you're cousin and I would love to see you, no matter what's going on."

Jared rubs his eyes. "Y-yeah? Okay... That sounds really nice actually." He liked his Uncle's house in Jersey. It was cozy, and above all else, it was populated. He needed that. And it meant a lot that his uncle was willing to do this even knowing what was going on.

"Well, I'll make sure the guest room is set up just the way you like it then. Text me any snacks you want, and You just count the days off until break and work on doing the right thing until then."

"Right."

"So, what are _you_ going to do?"

He takes one more deep breath. "I'm going to give Evan an ultimatum. I'm going to tell the truth myself if he won't. And, I'm gonna remember to pack a toothbrush."

His uncle laughs. "Atta boy. We'll see you next week then. If anything happens, you can call."

"Okay, by Uncle Linus. Love ya." He hangs up, exhales, and slouches back. He starts nursing his now comfortably cooled latte. He had a plan. Now he just needed to execute it. But, given that big conversation he had, and the fact that he had the rest of the week, he decided to just shut himself in for the day and let his head settle. Being worked up about it wouldn't be any help, he knew that from experience alone. Today was a self-care day. Tomorrow was day 1 of "Tell everyone the truth no matter what it does to your social life." 

And he was gonna hold himself to it this time.

* * *

Evan doesn't come to school the next day and doesn't respond to texts. Which Jared finds odd because Evan usually is very good about those things. He's worried for most of the morning until he manages to talk to Alana about it during trig.

"Oh, him? He and Zoe went out for the day?"

Jared raises a brow. "Zoe?"

"Yeah, he's been talking to her a lot about the project, I think she was going to give some first-hand accounts about Connor. I don't know exactly what's going on today though, I think her and Evan just wanted to do something fun."

"That's weird." He mumbles, "Evan hates missing school-" He starts impersonating him, "Cause if I miss one day of school than I miss all my classes for the day and when I miss my classes I get behind on my homework and when I'm behind on my homework I'll crash and fail."

Alana nods. "I thought it was too, but Evan seems to be getting a little more adventurous now. I think they just both decided they needed a break and decided to do something leisurely together."

Jared sighs. "Yeah, I guess... I dunno, he's been kinda shirking his project responsibilities, maybe that was why though."

Alana looks over at him for a moment, pretty intensely, and only stops when she realizes he's uncomfortable.

"Sorry, I just... Have you been sleeping?"

He rubs his eyes a little. "Not well, but, yeah." It isn't a complete lie, "I was up kinda late debugging some of the interface stuff on the site, that's all."

She doesn't seem completely convinced, but also seems to understand that he can't be pressured to talk about it. "Right. Well, traffic is steady, The Queue is good for the rest of the month, so I think if those aren't any major thing then we'll be fine for now."

Rest of the month... Jared rubs his arm. "Yeah. Um, Hey, Don't worry about doing anything on the site then. You've been helping out a lot, more than your fair share, and I'm sure you have a lot of other stuff going on. I can handle it for now."

She blinks. "Oh, are you sure?"

He nods. "Yeah! Alana, you've done so much, and like you said the queue on the blog is good for the whole month. You just take time off, and I'll let you know when we need to pick stuff up again."

Alana smiles. It's one of those big relieved, smiles. "Thank you, Jared. And if that changes at all just let me know and I'll jump right back in." She hugs him tightly... He doesn't deserve it, but she does. So he hugs back. 

"Yeah, I will..."

He feels bad, dragging her into this. But, this gave her an easy out. He wanted to tell her, so badly. But, he was going to talk to Evan first... Once he had, then he'd talk to her.

"Thank you, by the way. You've done more than I could ever repay."

"Uh, okay? It's really nothing Jared."

He pulls away. "It's _not_ nothing. It's a lot... And, Thank you for taking time out of your day for it."

Alana doesn't seem to know how to reply to that, but their lesson for the day begins and they don't really get the chance to. Their minds are on Calc and Calc alone. And, well, Jared needed that. A brief moment of calm in his life. And even if that moment was full of dull math problems, he was going to savor it as long as he could.

* * *

He decides to invite Evan over the next day.

He stayed home, mentally preparing himself for everything. He'd rather do this in his own house, he decided. No chance of someone overhearing, no chance of someone interrupting. Just the two of them, face to face. Of course, that was nervewracking in its own right. But, it was the best possible way they could have this conversation.

He waits by the window, watching as Evan steps out of a car... Zoe Murphy's car... what was he doing with her? Jared shakes his head. No, focus. Don't let things get off-topic.

He lets Evan in, they don't move further into the house. They just stand there in the foyer.

"Hey." Jared mumbles.

"Hi." Evan breaths. Somehow, he seems more comfortable than ever. "Is this about the article?"

Jared had opened his mouth to say something else, but it shuts instantly. "Article?"

"Yeah, they made an Article about the project for the local paper? It's pretty cool actually, and I think it'll help give us more traffic before we start the fundraiser."

Jared sighs this muddled things further. "There isn't going to be a fundraiser Evan." 

Evan starts to question, but Jared keeps going.

"Evan, Listen... I've been lax about this. I've been compliant with you, but... You need to tell the truth."

Evan's expression drops. "What. Now?"

Jared nods. "Yeah. _Now_. Or by the end of the week. We-" he pinches the bridge of his nose. "We need to stop this Evan."

Evan steps back, shaking his head. "Jared: We can't. The Connor Project means so much to the Murphy's, and to others. Have you seen the comments we've been getting? We can't pull that away from them-"

He glares. "To others, Evan? Or to _you_?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Evan asks.

"Don't think I didn't see you and Zoe, first of all, because I did. You wanna explain that?"

"There's nothing going on, we're just friends-"

"There better not be anything going on, considering the whole ' _her brother is dead and we may have had a hand in it'_ thing. Second of all: this whole thing is based on a lie, which only started because I wanted you to take account for your own letter-"

"Oh, so it's my fault Connor ran off with it?"

"It's not. But it's your fault for not saying anything about it to the Murphy's after I gave you so many chances. All you've done this whole time is twisted someone's whole life into one big fucking lie!"

Evan sighs, rubbing his face. "Jared, look. No one cared about Connor when he died. We both know that. And, now Everyone cares about him... Is it that bad of a lie if it's doing some good?"

Jared feels himself fuming. "I was talking about _me_ , Evan..." He has to hold back every bone in his body to keep himself from screaming. "I wanted nothing to do with this. I wanted to just let this whole thing die back in September, but you kept pushing me into it-"

"Okay, well... Maybe I do need this, okay? But is that so bad? Is it so bad to want something for so long and finally have a chance at it? You read my letter, No one would've cared if-"

" **I didn't read your note, Evan** **!** " He snaps.

Evan freezes, and just stares. "You... You didn't-"

"Of course not!" He steps forward, backing him into the door. "That note was supposed between you and your therapist! It was _private._ I wasn't just gonna fucking read it! I just saw the first line and knew what it was. I respect your privacy because I fucking loved you and no matter how much I joked about it I would never fucking throw you into a situation like that. And since this whole thing started, I haven't had _any_ privacy at all! I don't even care what was written on that note, because it won't change my mind about anything, And if you won't do this one thing; the only thing I've asked you to do since this started, then I'm telling everyone _everything_."

"Go ahead, Jared." Evan stammers out, "Tell thousands of people and their internet followers that you pretended to be friends with a dead kid! See how that works out for you!" He turns around and stamps out the door. Jared's shaking, he can feel his chest squeezing. He's going to cry, he's probably going to have another panic attack. But like hell is it going to happen in front of this guy.

"Fuck you, Evan! You _Asshole_!"

* * *

It's raining when he goes over.

It's so cold out that Jared considers it a miracle that it wasn't snowing instead. It by all means should be. But, he's a little grateful it isn't. He parks on the side of the road. The lights are off, there's a missing car. They must've gone out for dinner. He glances down at the note again.

_To the Murphy's,_

_I haven't been honest with you, and I'm sorry that it took me this long to be upfront about the whole thing. The truth is, I never knew Connor. Not in the way you were led to believe. I'd see him in the halls, I'd make mean jokes at his expense sometimes, but we never talked. We were never friends.  
_

_The note you found on his person that day wasn't a suicide note. Evan Hansen writes them for his therapist. He apparently hated addressing them to himself, so he always wrote them as though they would be sent to me. I didn't tell you initially because I felt like, because it was his note, I needed to respect his autonomy and let him tell you guys himself. But, He never did._

_Alana didn't know about this at all, she was left in the dark as much as you were. After I leave this note I'm going to text her about it._  
_I should've done this sooner. I don't ask for any forgiveness. I've included the sign-in information for The Connor Project's administration account. I changed the password, feel free to change it again, It's under your control now. Do whatever you want with it. I won't stop it or deny anything if you decide to tell the truth._

_Sincerely,_  
_Jared Kleinman_

He takes a deep breath, carefully folds it into an envelope, and goes to tape it to their front door. As he does, he gives himself a moment... They'll see it. It'll be the first thing they notice when they get home. As he's leaving, he trips and lands in a huge puddle in their lawn. He pushes off and looks at himself. He's completely soaked in mud. There's a shadow in the corner of his eye, under a streetlamp, but it vanishes before he gets a good look at it.

He takes a small drive afterward, no real location in mind, just to listen to the rain hit his windshield. His seat thankfully is protected by a garbage bag he keeps in his back seat, but the mud just itches at his skin until he decides to finally drive home. The only stop he makes is to get some fast food. Thankfully, the cashier can't recognize him with all the mud and doesn't really question why he's covered in it. The rain starts to let up before he gets home, and by the time he's out of his shower and settling down to eat, the moon is peeking through a break in the clouds.

But, he doesn't get long to admire it. Someone rings his doorbell just as he's about to dunk one of his nuggets. He sighs and opens the door. He expects it to be The Murphy's, maybe Evan, but he's pleasantly surprised when it's the person he was going to text after he ate.

"Alana?"

She looks upset. And he has a hunch why. "Hi, Jared."

He bites his lip. "I know why you're here, but before we talk: Do you wanna come in? It's cold out. I'll make some tea?"

She thinks about it for a moment. But accepts. Jared get's a pot going fairly quickly, and offers other snacks (She declines because she ate dinner not long ago). And, for a while, they're quiet. It'd be peaceful if it weren't a silence that hid something. But, they wait for a moment, just staring out at the night sky from the window.

"I should've known." She sighs, "That day in the halls? I suspected it, and I should've known then."

He picks at his fries. "...I'm sorry." Is all he can say. "...Did Evan tell you?"

She slouches into her chair. "Not directly. He asked me for help with The Connor Project earlier today and I thought it was weird when he said he didn't want you involved."

Jared sighs, running a hand through his hair. He isn't even sure what to say about that. But, he does give her the full story. She seems surprised, like she wasn't expecting it to have gone that way. Like the version in her head was shattered. Like, for a moment, she isn't sure if she believes Jared, but what other source does she have.

When he's done, Alana asks, "What are you going to do?"

"I have some relatives in Jersey... My uncle offered to let me stay there over break."

Alana looks at him. "Over break?"

Jared shrugs."Yeah but, I might ask to stay a little longer depending on how things go. But, could I ask something of you? Just, one more thing."

Alana sighs. "It better be good."

He takes a deep breath. "Don't... Don't leak the story. I left a letter on the Murphy's door explaining everything. I gave them the admin password. The website is completely in their hands. Whatever happens, I want them to decide. Connor was their son, they're lives were affected the most by all of this, if it comes out I want it to be from them and no one else."

Alana thinks it over. "I hate leaving people in the dark about this, but you're right. It's not my decision to make... You have my word, I won't say anything."

Jared smiles. "Thank you... I'm so sorry you got dragged into this."

Alana sighs. "I offered my help-"

"Under false pretenses, don't blame yourself for this. It's my fault if anyone, I knew this was wrong but my stupid mouth didn't wanna let me admit it."

Alana looks over. "Well, don't take all the credit. Evan was the one who kept telling lies."

Jared pauses. "Yeah but, I helped him lie... I mean, I told him to stop and tried to get him to tell the truth but-" Alana keeps staring at him, and He sighs. "I don't wanna say it's his fault. It's not his fault his therapy assignment was in Connor's pocket when he died. It's not his fault he had all this other crap going on that made things hard for him. But, I know most of that isn't an excuse for letting it get this far, either... I'm not using it as one for me, so I shouldn't make it one for him."

Alana seems to feel better about that answer and averts eye-contact. "Thank you, for at least putting a stop to all of this before it got any bigger."

Jared stares up at the sky for a moment, watching as a few stars peek out. "... Can I still talk to you? After tonight?"

She's quiet for a bit, contemplative. Jared almost takes the silence as an answer in itself... But-

"I'll message you when I'm ready, If you aren't by then don't feel obligated to reply right away."

Jared sighs. "Okay... Yeah... Thank you."

He looks up at the night sky, at the barely visible stars... The ones that were once replicated on his bedroom ceiling, only this time he's actually looking at them. He's surprised he can even see them, they're so faint. But, They're there. He's here. Alana is here. He takes a few breaths, picking at his food again.

"You um... You here about that comet that got arrested?" Jared asks suddenly.

Alana looks at him, confusion scrunched up in her face. 

He continues, his face is the straightest it's been in years. "Yeah um, It was a _shooting_ star."

Her lips curl a little, and she laughs... He smirks, laughing a little with her. Maybe it wasn't the best time for a joke, but it was a place where a joke was needed. Tomorrow, they'd have to deal with the weight of the last few months of work. But tonight? Jared was going to look for a reason to laugh, while he could still do that.

**Author's Note:**

> That's the end.
> 
> Again, if you have feedback or thoughts you wish to share on this story, leave a comment! I'd love to hear from you guys.


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